IN THE NICK OF TIME

The fury and outrage of Democratic senators condemning their own for crossing over and voting with the Republicans to reopen the government has petty much died down. (In public, at least.) What's done is done!

Now, on to the possibility of the Republicans debating the renewal of Covid-era subsidies for the Affordable Care Act. (They said they would, right?)

Not that any sort of debate will make a difference. Nothing will come of it.

And maybe it shouldn't. Folks were given a financial break during Covid and now that dangerous time is over. Sure, people are still affected by Covid, but that is likely to stay true for years to come. When did the last guy die of the Spanish Flu? Google's AI tells me it happened in April, 1920. But remember, the H1N1 virus has not actually disappeared. It has just mutated into something we have learned to live with.

At some point, all pandemics drop to the level of the yearly flu stats and tracking it loses priority. That means at some point, even for Covid-19, elevated subsidies should come to an end. Well, maybe we're there now.

(On September 22nd of this year, the Covid death rate in the US was point zero eight per million. Then it went to zero. People still get sick, but they recover.)

The lasting problem is not Covid, of course, but American healthcare in general.

As usual, the Republicans hint at a health plan to replace the ACA, but they're unable to produce it. Business as usual. Maybe the Dems can get control of both houses and take a shot at really fixing that thing.

(Right now, Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer wants to force a vote so folks back home will know how their representatives acquitted themselves. It's just political shaming, really, but maybe that's all that could possibly come of it.)

During the government shutdown, certainly, nothing was going to happen. Democrats held out, even so, hoping against hope—but it was a false hope.

If things had gone on much longer, the Democrats, who were definitely scoring points against the GOP, would nevertheless have begun to lose ground. Voters of every persuasion are ultimately willing to blame both parties for whatever bad thing is going down.

Another few days, in fact, and the matter of the SNAP shutdown, affecting more than forty million citizens, would have become acute, as vast numbers of Americans started to go hungry. In most states, even if people still had money on their SNAP cards, they wouldn't have been able to use it. Local administrators had suspended the program entirely, waiting for federal funding to return.

Making matters worse, the effed-up airport situation was driving folks nuts just as the country began ramping up for the Thanksgiving travel nightmare.

These problems (and many others) would have had the population demanding answers and scapegoats, and the Democrats were not going to be able to avoid scrutiny for holding out for something that simply wasn't going to happen.

But then the Democratic Eight stepped up and ended the crisis—just in the nick of time, in my opinion.

But don't forget, the Hateful Eight didn't capitulate to the Republicans without getting something in return.

No way were they going to get the ACA subsidies restored. But they did get SNAP funded through the end of September, 2026, along with some other stuff. What this means is, when the government shuts down again at the end of January (which is how the smart money is betting), the problem of Americans going hungry won't be a factor to pressure a fast surrender.

During the next "capitulation" negotiations, maybe they can come away with funding for airport workers so TSA personnel and air traffic control folks won't have to work for nothing.

Then, in the inevitable shutdown after that, neither of those killer items will be available to gum up the works. At that time, maybe the Dems can hold out longer for a lot more valuable stuff.

Little by little, they work their subterranean tactics, all the way to the 2026 midterms, after which maybe the entire concept of government shutdowns can be addressed.

Will Donald Trump live that long? Stay tuned. Could be a photo finish.

HOW TO END THE SHUTDOWN

Republicans say to Democrats: Refund the government and we'll talk about reinstating the subsidies for the Affordable Care Act.

Democrats say: We don't believe you. If we end the shutdown, you'll blow off the talks and nothing will happen. We don't trust you guys to bargain in good faith.

(History is on their side.)

The solution: Trump and the Republicans need to state with great clarity that they will never reinstate the subsidies for the ACA, so the Democrats might as well restart the government right away and end the pain caused by defunding SNAP (and everything else).

And that will call the Democrats' bluff.

They will be forced to realize that for the time being things will get very bad for low-income folks who need healthcare coverage. They will know their work is cut out for them. They will understand they'll have to take control of both houses of Congress and install a Democrat in the White House if they want to put the subsidies back in place.

Fortunately, the Republican stance on the ACA will make that outcome much more likely.

Democrats will have to accept that fact as the best they can do in this situation.

Will they?

THE OPPOSITE OF WOKE

The opposite of woke is shitty, a category that includes such popular pastimes as racism, homophobia, and misogyny. And, as you're probably already aware, Donald Trump is exceedingly shitty.

Turns out he's also stupid and delusional.

(In addition, he's a vindictive thug and a pathological liar.)

He thinks a cognitive test is an IQ test that proves he's a genius. He thinks you can cure Covid with an injection of bleach. (Not that you have to cure it; just let it wash over the country.) He thinks you can reduce drug prices by 1700%. (How would that work? You buy a pill and the drug company hands it to you for free, then follows up by giving you a tiny bar of gold?)

He thinks he won the election in 2020. Many a marginal man has dived into that rabbit hole, never to be seen again, lest their creditors dun him for life-altering court-ordered awards.

He started a completely disruptive and unnecessary trade war with every single country in the world because he doesn't know how tariffs work. (He thinks that since the people he tariffs will be paying those fees, he can effectively tax those countries to recoup the money they make selling stuff to us he thinks they should have spent on American products. It wasn't enough they were supplying a product we wanted at an excellent price—they were, according to Trump, cheating us!)

He thinks American cities are burning to the ground and he needs to send troops to quell out-of-control riots. Ultimately, he wants no visible push-back on his immigration enforcement policy, a policy he claims to have a mandate to operate. (Hey, Donald, hold the election again right now and see how much of a mandate you actually have.)

He thinks drug runners are narco-terrorists and is blowing their boats out of the water, though he offers no proof those folks are committing capital crimes. (At worst they're supplying a product our citizens crave. Maybe Trump should address the demand-side of the problem and not start international wars without congressional approval as required by the Constitution.)

Trump has authorized the CIA to operate in Venezuela and he plans ground operations there in the near future. What are the chances he doesn't use tactical nukes against the cartels in South America? He once suggested nuking drug suppliers in Mexico, and he's repeatedly complained about being restrained from using nukes whenever he wants.

Trump thinks that a Russian test of a nuclear-powered rocket is the same as a test of a nuclear warhead. Accordingly, he wants to resume testing nukes himself, which will end a Test Ban Treaty in place for thirty years and open the door to actual Russian tests, along with those of China and who knows how many other countries in the nuclear club, not to mention the enthusiastic adventures of nuclear wanna-bes.

Trump "knows" Biden weaponized the DOJ against him so he's fighting that alleged corruption with real corruption of his own by using his DOJ to prosecute this enemies for bogus crimes.

He goes after universities and others for being too woke, illegally withholding federal funding already authorized by congress.

He demands tribute in the form of "judgments" against private companies and corporations in lieu of lawsuits he could never really win. (But it's easier to pay him off.)

He's literally demolishing part of the White House to build an unwanted monument to himself, which he is paying for with "contributions" from companies doing business with the government or which are facing legal hassles with federal regulators.

He even wants the Washington Commanders to change their name back to the Redskins.

Donald Trump plans to drag his salty nuts over every square inch of this country, just to prove he can do it. He thinks immunity from prosecution is the same thing as there being no crime he cannot legally commit, and he's hot to take advantage of the situation.

History will fall down laughing over all this nonsense.

Then excoriate us for not setting up procedures to make damn sure another president as defective as Trump never again holds the office.

I sincerely doubt we will meet that challenge.

BIRTHDAY BOY

The assassination of Charlie Kirk has sucked a lot of the Epstein oxygen out of the room. Members of a House committee had journeyed to New York to see the infamous Birthday Book in person, as well, perhaps, as other documents held by the Epstein estate. I've heard no report on that excursion, thanks to the Kirk shooting.

Donald Trump is calling the Epstein matter a "dead issue," says he has nothing more to say about it. His last words: That's not my signature and the text of the letter is not how I speak.

(And to close the subject forever: Eric Trump says his dad never doodles women's bodies.)

Okay, a few comments:

If that's not Trump's signature it is one hell of an accurate forgery.

At first, the White House brought up samples of Trump's "first-name" signatures, demonstrating that none of them displayed the tail at the end.

That was disingenuous, at best. Samples of Trump's first-name signature from the era of the Birthday Book clearly show the tail.

As for the outline of the naked female, I have to wonder why it was drawn with stumps for arms instead of simply letting the arms trail off, like the bottom of the body. This may be a meal for psychiatrists to chew on.

Obviously, the signature and text could have existed before someone else added the drawing. What needs to happen is a forensic examination to determine if the outline was made with the same pen as the signature. Looks to me like it was.

Trump's other denial is bizarre.

It is certainly true that Trump does not talk like the letter's text when he addresses the press. When he freestyles an answer, he mostly digresses and jabbers off topic to revisit favorite hobby-horses of discourse. Ask about tariffs and you might end up listening to another diatribe against windmills and how they kill birds and drive whales crazy.

The weird thing is, Trump apparently thinks the dialogue depicted in the letter is a transcript of a conversation between him and Epstein. If that were true, Trump would be right: He doesn't speak like that. Nobody does.

The point of the letter seems to be to link Trump and Epstein in a world of secrets and enigmas. Other items revealed from the Birthday Book do a lot more than hint at Epstein's penchant for getting massages from scantily clad barely pubescent young females. Trump's letter fits in nicely, though in an arguably classy manner.

But seriously, what other secret could Trump be referring to? And if the pair are linked by secrets, is it the same one? That's creepy.

The obvious thing to do is to ask Epstein confidant Ghislaine Maxwell about the Book. She was the one who put it together. She must have contacted various folks to invite them to contribute. She would probably know if Trump was a part of the project. She might well remember what his birthday letter looked like: text and drawing.

She might, but she doesn't.

Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche questioned the woman in Florida for nine hours on July 24th and 25th, about a week after the Wall Street Journal revealed the existence of the Birthday Book. And yes, the matter came up.

Maxwell said she didn't remember if Trump was in the book or not, but that she didn't ask him to be. She said Epstein was mostly in charge of calling contributors.

She "honestly" has no memory of Trump's letter or drawing, none whatsoever.

And that's the right answer. Thanks for playing the game.

PRESIDENT WITH AN ASTERISK

Donald Trump has mounted three full-blown presidential campaigns, winning two of them, both times against women—in a country that has never elected a woman president.

Twice the women involved, Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris, either got close to beating the man in the popular vote—or in the case of Clinton, actually did beat him there, though Trump denies that happened.

(After all, tons of illegal aliens voted for her, and, as he would say, everybody knows it.)

But the way I see it, Trump is a president with an asterisk next to his name: He can only win against women, in a country that may never vote in a woman, no matter what slime-ridden knuckle-dragger she's matched with.

On the other hand, put Trump up against a dementia-adjacent old man, and he's toast.

Trump knows, of course, that he did beat Joe Biden, but his proof got lost in the mail. Fortunately for the Donald, his pal Vladimir Putin backs him up on the 2020 election theft. But that's how you ingratiate yourself with the current president: flatter him and re-enforce his delusions.

(According to Trump, Putin even agrees that if Trump had been allowed to take power in 2021, there would have been no war in Ukraine. Would be interesting to hear Putin explain how that could have come about—and compare his reasoning with Trump's. But I've never heard Trump explain why there would not have been a war. Would he have said something that prevented it? Something like, "Hey, Vlad, invade Ukraine and I'll nuke Moscow!" Or was his mere presence in the White House going to be enough to scare Putin into waiting until Trump was out of office before putting his pent-up plans in motion?)

Here's the thing: Donald Trump is a stupid, crazy, aggressively shitty man, a vindictive thug, and a pathological liar.

(Perhaps one day he can tell us more stories about Uncle John and his relationship with Jack the Ripper.)

Trump doesn't recognize any of these faults, of course, and he never will. In general, the human brain protects us all from ever finding out the truth about ourselves.

However it happened, the man got himself elected, so we're stuck with him for another three and a half years: a criminal enterprise without guardrails, who is dismantling government and science and history and decency in a race to the bottom layers of human existence.

I'm pretty sure he plans to send troops to every (blue) city in the country, just to intimidate folks.

His illegal and delusional tariffs are hamstringing our economy and driving once friendly trading partners to embrace China, possibly forever. Trump thinks he can cure a trade deficit by taxing the offending country with tariffs, which is not how they work. (He still appears to think the foreign country pays the tariff.) The real fix for this condition is to find out what the other country needs and supply that need at a good price.

The members of his own party refuse to stop him because they fear his ability to destroy their political careers—and let's not forget they took a sacred oath on the Holy Bible to protect and preserve those careers.

(At least, that's how they must remember the day they got sworn into the House or Senate.)

There is, consequently, no viable, legal method for removing Trump from office.

We desperately need to create one.

We need a way to declare "no confidence" in a given president and demand a do-over of the most recent election.

If the president refuses, he's out, and the new election will be held without him.

If he participates, and wins, maybe give him (or her) a bonus year or two to prove his programs are proper and effective, despite appearances.

Perhaps a petition signed by millions of verified voters could make this do-over election happen, voters from both parties or those with no party affiliation.

But it would likely require a constitutional amendment to start the ball, which would no doubt take years to ratify. Nothing to address the immediate threat.

A more secure and honest president than Trump might be counted on to agree to a do-over election without any law or amendment in place, but we don't live in that world.

In the meantime, if the man is not actually planning a coup, it's astonishing how much it looks like that's exactly what he's up to.

During the campaign he said folks would only have to vote one more time, because he would just need four years to "fix" everything.

Can't help thinking that sounds ominous...

THE GULF OF AMERICA

Here's what should happen in the matter of immigration, but probably won't:

Trump needs to order a complete ground-stop on all round-ups of illegal immigrants, with the possible exception of violent criminals who also happen to be in this country illegally.

It's time to have that national debate on the past and future of immigration, leading at long last to Congressional legislation and a triumph of cold logic over super-heated emotion.

Given the uproar of protest against the imperial tactics of ICE, this is the only reasonable thing to do.

But who said this country is in the thrall of reason?

It is, instead, in the thrall of an ignorant crazy man who also happens to be a vindictive thug.

The guardrails have all been replaced by ranks of cheering sycophants. Nobody has a say on how this country should be operated unless they've already taken up residence in Donald Trump's poop cave. And there's not of a lot of difference of opinion coming from that redolent location.

Trump is not just a naked emperor, the man is positively inside-out.

But he knows he's not. He knows he's just fine, okay? He won a landslide victory at the polls, the result of which is that he's got an irresistible mandate to do whatever he might possibly think of doing.

Period. The end. Full stop.

It doesn't matter what fetid nonsense oozes from the haunted palace of his fever-baked skull. His will be done.

Trump is convinced that criticism from the national media is by definition illegal and must be put down. Jail, deport, or execute his detractors. That's what god clearly wants.

Only federal judges dare attempt to contain him, but unfortunately it's only a matter of time before Trump's rants against those critters will trigger his Brown Shirts to act on his behalf (if not on his specific orders).

We may soon be nostalgic for the time when murdering judges only happened in failed drug-peddling nations run by cartels.

Trump's preferred hatchet men were literally culled from prisons by presidential pardon and declared patriotic heroes by the massively delusional f-head of America.

Those guys owe the man, big time.

Elsewhere, the President's ineffective legal counsel, Emil Bove, is on a one-stop express to SCOTUSville. More long-lasting fallout from the detonation of Trump's atomic power grab.

Meanwhile, at the center of the country: a void, an emptiness, a mathematical null-set.

Donald Trump is the Gulf of America.

FAST TRACK

When the President of the United States runs the party that holds the majority in both houses of Congress, I think we can go ahead and call the situation "dictatorship by proxy."

And when the party that's in control has taken an oath to maintain their careers in Congress, no matter what, the deal is sealed.

(Talk of an oath to preserve and protect the Constitution can go on the trash heap of quaint and forgotten history. Political reality has entered the premises. Job One is sucking up to the man who can ruin your career by backing somebody else in the next primary election.)

When a President rules by kingly edict (executive order) and is himself a convicted felon, it's reasonable to assume that many (if not most) of his orders will be illegal.

When that information reaches a federal judge (by way of legal suit) and the judge is of reasonable mind and possesses basic common knowledge, that judge will quickly rule the President's executive order is defective and needs to be vacated.

Such a ruling should be applied as widely as the original executive order was intended to go. If nationwide, then nationwide.

The Supreme Court seems to disagree. Wrong again, boys and girls!

The President can always appeal the judge's decision (right quickly, too, if the President's name is Donald Trump, the man of a thousand lawyers). If the judgment is upheld by an appeals court, the President can pester SCOTUS for relief.

There is no harm to the nation if the judge's decision to derail the executive order is applied nationwide. If the President disagrees, says the matter is super-duper urgent, some sort of accelerated appeals process can be instigated.

Fast track the sucker!

After all, the original timing is entirely up the President. Nothing is on the table until he scrawls his name on the document in question.

When you're dealing with a dictator-by-proxy, everything has to run faster. If the Supreme Court doesn't want to work the whole year round, maybe some sort of penultimate court could pull that duty, ever ready to step in and stuff the President back into his fetid hole.

Let the crime-addled President cool his heels waiting for some final-final decision coming out of Big Time SCOTUS world. I'm sure he'll have lots of other fun criminal activities to fill out his schedule.

Plus, there's always golf, right?

ONE AND UNDONE

Donald Trump is currently considering the use of our bunker-buster bomb to take out Iran's uranium enrichment facility at Fordow, which is buried 300 feet beneath a mountain near Qom. (I believe this is an updated version of the weapon referred to as the MOAB [Mother Of All Bombs] during the search for Osama Bin Laden, when the caves of Tora Bora were clobbered.)

The mission would be a difficult one, involving B2 stealth bombers, fighter jets for cover, AWACS, and refueling aircraft, and would probably require multiple sorties to deliver enough of the big-ass bombs to get the job done.

But could that be it? One and done? Over? Complete? No comeback?

Very unlikely.

Iran would almost certainly launch missiles at US troops in Iraq, no doubt killing hundreds of them. The only way to achieve "one and done" status would be to not respond to that attack. Just let it go. Tell the Iranians they were getting a free one.

But remind them that any further aggression against our forces (in the region or around the world) would result in massive retaliatory attacks all over Iran.

Would that work?

Maybe, but what are the chances Trump could stay the course? Grit his teeth and take the hit? Approximately nil. The allure of tit for tat would be overwhelming. I mean, come on: He would look weak for not hitting back. And looking weak is not his favorite look. (I think he'd almost rather look bald.)

Trump says he's giving Iran two weeks to come to the bargaining table.

Will they respond favorably?

Unlikely. Iran says it won't engage in talks as long as Israel is bombing their country. If Israel wants the US to help out by supplying the big bombs, all it has to do is keep on hitting Iran until time runs out.

I'm pretty sure they'd be willing to do that.

So, is there any way forward?

Hardly. In fact, things may be even more complicated.

It's been reported Iran thinks having a nuclear weapon could be an effective deterrent to keep Israel from attacking their country.

Unfortunately, Israel will continue to attack as long as it looks like Iran is close to getting that nuclear deterrent.

Loggerheads!

Crazy solution: We could guarantee Iran that if they are willing to give up the dream of the magic device, any future attacks from Israel would be answered with force by the US. Or, more likely, Israel would be informed of such an eventuality and be warned away from strikes in Iran.

Sounds pretty shaky.

But hey, consider this even crazier solution: We give the Iranians thirty or forty nukes.

(Israel is thought to have 300 warheads.)

That way, both sides would have the bomb: Mutually Assured Destruction, baby!

It would be too late for Israel to head off the development of an Iranian nuke. Both countries would be forced to let cooler heads prevail.

One problem: Iran may be sitting on divine permission to obliterate Israel.

Too bad, really: Among the humans, the supply of cooler heads is dangerously limited.

(Seriously, people. How the hell did we get this far?)

[Obviously, events have trespassed on the validity of this post, Trump having made his decision to deploy bunker busters in Iran. We now await the Iranian response.]

UPPING THE STAKES

On the tarmac a few days ago, before tripping his way up the stairs to Air Force One, Donald Trump said: "We're going to have troops everywhere. We can't let this happen to our country."

Not realizing, I suppose, that the second half of his statement could be seen as blow-back from the first half.

Whatever nonsense the man screeched out in front of a howling mass of supporters at a one of his campaign rallies, Trump took as a contract to be performed in the event he won the election. Well, somehow or other, he won.

He said he would remove eleven million undocumented people from the country, starting with the "worst of the worst."

In order to perform this task in the four years of a single presidential term, Trump would have to deport more than 7500 a day.

In the last year of the Biden administration, ICE deported 271,484 people. That's 744 individuals a day, on average. It's been reported that Trump's numbers are currently below that rate, let alone ten times the Biden number, which is the level the president needs to be hitting. As a consequence, White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller told ICE commanders to up their game or be fired.

What better location to up their game than Los Angeles County, where an estimated one million undocumented critters make their homes.

ICE agents raided the garment district in LA, and a Home Depot in Paramount, chasing a handful of would-be day workers out of the parking lot.

Folks protested, saying these people were not criminals, not the "worst of the worst" they were promised would be Trump's target.

Of course not. Because the really bad boys are a lot harder to grab up.

I don't have the exact numbers, but I would estimate that of the eleven million people ultimately pursued by ICE, approximately none of them belong in the category of worst of the worst.

But for the average (legal) citizen of LA, what ICE is doing is a violation of the mandate they think Trump is operating under.

It's not, of course. And folks ought to know it.

But folks are folks: stupid and crazy and unaware of it. It's how we humans roll. We misunderstand the rules. Important details fall under the table and are lost.

Protesting the actions of ICE is protected under the Constitution, but does it make sense? That depends on a lot of stuff nobody is talking about right now. Will removing the eleven million help or hurt the economy? On the other hand, should the economy even be considered when determining the right path?

Is there still such a thing as political asylum in this country? And if so, should there be? How many people around the world ought to be absorbed into this country? One percent? Ten percent? Any of them who want to be?

All questions that need to be pondered.

But now the emphasis in LA has shifted.

How many have moved on to protesting the presidential deployment of the California National Guard? Or the presence of Marines in the city? How many are protesting presidential overreach?

Trump says if he hadn't sent in the National Guard, LA would have burned to the ground by now. Is this the delusion of a power-mad would-be dictator? Maybe.

(Okay: probably.)

Are Trump's actions making things better or worse? I think we know his answer. And unfortunately, his answer is the only one that counts.

Will the courts undo his actions? I guess they might try. Not that it's likely to have much sway over Donald Trump. When courts shoot him down, he simply declares victory and sends in a phalanx of new lawyers. He's got millions of 'em.

Trump promises to have troops everywhere. Oh, boy. Going to be a long, hot summer.

Starting with Saturday the fourteenth, with freshly-painted Army tanks rolling through the streets of DC.

Now we have to worry: Is the big man setting the stage for his big move?

Stay tuned.

THE PLANE! THE PLANE!

Here's an obvious solution to the whole Qatari plane deal:

Trump's library takes the plane (sooner or later) and pays for storage and so forth. When Trump leaves the White House, he can do whatever he wants with the damned thing.

This way the bribe/gift will not reach him while he's President. No harm/no foul.

(Sort of. No hassle with the Constitution, at least. Probably.)

Leave the Defense Department out of it. The American people will not have to foot the bill to renovate/make safe this white elephant because the 747-8 will never be Air Force One.

Bottom line: The baby gets his toy; the rest of us go back to worrying about the next eminent threat to America.

Sure, it's a kind of appeasement.

But I think appeasement has been given a bad name. True, it helped precipitate the Second World War, but it also set the stage for the ultimate defeat of the Third Reich.

Appeasement gave Hitler the confidence to start the war two years before the military and weapons production were ready for it. Initial success was followed by inevitable and utter failure.

Appeasement might have been a way of giving the bastard enough rope to hang himself.

(BTW: "86 47" doesn't mean assassinate the president. It means get rid of the guy, some how. If the 2026 elections favor the Dems, impeachment and conviction will do the job handily. Ballots, not bullets.)

MAKE IT SO

It doesn't bother Donald Trump that the majority of American citizens are unhappy with his performance as President.

Why should he care what the polls say? He's convinced himself they're all fake.

If not irrelevant: He won by a landslide, don't forget, which means he has a mandate to do exactly what he's doing.

I suppose it would be pointless to explain to him that he won by a narrow margin (no landslide) and that if the election were held again today he would decidedly not be President. How could it matter: The people said yes to him once, and that's enough. He's determined to hold the country to that faulty decision.

On Meet the Press, Trump was told the American people didn't sign up for this. He said: They did sign up for this.

It's as if he's saying: "I told you what I was going to do and you voted me into office. Stop whining and take your medicine!"

Two problems with that:

(1) When he said he was going to do various stuff, he never once added that he intended to do everything illegally.

(On the other hand, had he actually pointed out at rallies he planned to go rogue to get things done, the response would probably have been howling assent. The defective yak-heads he accumulated before him were literally up for anything he proposed. After all, that's why they came: "We love you, boss! Now pass out the damn Kool-aid! We're dying of thirst!")

(2) When a candidate makes a crap-load of promises, getting elected doesn't mean he gets to do them all. Could be there's only one topic folks used in deciding their vote. And since some things are easier to get done than others, it's likely the new President would gobble up the low-hanging fruit first. In fact, it might be that one thing voters really wanted done can't be done at all, or if done, could only be done in a misleading manner.

("We're going to have a country of millionaires!" Turns out the guy didn't mean everybody was going to become a millionaire. He just meant he'd be deporting to Libya anybody who wasn't already a millionaire.)

Under our (current) constitution, the executive branch is tasked with enforcing the law, not breaking the law when enforcing it proves to be inconvenient for the accomplishment of this or that political agenda.

When courts point out that America is not at war and as a result wartime statutes cannot be used to deport folks willy-nilly to the four winds, Trump says the courts want everybody to live at the whim of violent thugs.

Not at all. The courts are simply saying that due process under the law is a thing. Deal with it.

When Adolf Hitler was named Chancellor, he went to the Reichstag to demand emergency powers. (And outside, the Brown-Shirts were chanting they would murder anybody who failed to vote for emergency powers.)

In contrast, Donald Trump lied about what's going on and granted emergency powers to himself.

(Like they say, it's easier to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission. More straightforward, at least. And you can appeal the courts' decisions till Doomsday, all the while doing whatever you want. Deny, deny, deny.)

Trump is ruling by executive order—like a king. It suits his temperament.

The man knows what he knows and it's pointless to suggest he could be wrong about anything.

Could he pick up the phone and get Kilmar Abrego Garcia returned to this country? Absolutely. But he won't because somebody sent him a doctored photograph that shows "MS-13" tattooed on the man's hand. Never mind the image has been 'shopped. Never mind that even if the guy was in MS-13 he didn't deserve to be sent of that prison in El Salvador without due process of law.

Trump can see, plain as day, the characters MS 13, and that's an end to it. No point in arguing.

Besides, arguing with kings could get you sent to the Tower. If not beheaded.

Trump has already assumed the power to rendition illegals to black sites around the world. All he needs now is to grant himself the power to do the same to citizens who fail to show him proper deference.

And maybe he'll get his chance.

The Supreme Court is set to take up birthright citizenship. If Trump could crack that sucker, we'll all be fair game.

DUMPING TRUMP

There are two legal ways a President can be removed from office, and at the moment it appears as if neither of them is viable.

The first is through impeachment by the House and conviction by the Senate.

It takes but a simple majority in the House to impeach, but for that to happen, at least some Republicans would have to join all Democrats. That might be fairly easy, if only because a number of Republicans don't think Trump is going far enough to obtain the proper results.

Impeachment is therefore possible.

Conviction in the Senate, on the other hand, is pretty much out of the question, because it takes a two-thirds vote to get the job done. Trump was impeached twice in his first term, and survived both trials in the Senate. And that was when Democrats held the majority. Which is no longer the case.

The other method of removing a President is through the 25th Amendment.

To start that process, the Vice President and a majority of the principle officers in the executive branch must submit in writing to the leaders of both houses of Congress their opinion that the President is unable to perform his duties.

If the President objects to that characterization of his ability to rule, Congress must decide the matter. It would take a two-thirds vote of both houses to make a removal stick, placing the Vice President in the role of Acting President.

The former VP could then appoint someone to take over his previous job, and a simple majority of both houses would make that person Vice President. Oddly, the one sitting behind the resolute desk would remain only Acting President.

(Or so says Section 4 of the Amendment. But in Section 1, removal, death, or resignation of the President makes the VP President, not Acting President. Only in Section 4, where Congress is called on to make the determination, is the former VP stuck as Acting President until the end of the term. This appears to be a glitch in the Amendment.)

In the case of Donald Trump, I think the matter is moot. If you listen to the over-the-top declarations of admiration produced by individuals assembled for a cabinet meeting, it boggles the mind these sycophantic tools could turn on him en masse and make a damning declaration to Congress concerning his fitness for duty.

To be clear, the obstacle in both methods of removing Trump is personified by the members of the political party the man currently controls. The majority of them appear to support Trump. Certainly most of them want to demonstrate loyalty to the guy, if only because they know failing to do so would almost certainly result in their being "primaried" at the time of their next reelection attempt. Many of them seem to value their political careers above that of their oaths of office.

(Or something else may be happening. See TWO BECOMES THREE.)

It is likely (and traditional) that the coming midterm election will remake the calculation of party majority in the House. And maybe in the Senate, too.

That would make it even easier to impeach, but getting to two-thirds in the Senate for a conviction would still be a sweaty uphill trek.

So for the time being I think we're stuck with a president who may be going too far.

Or, for some Republicans, not far enough...

FUZZY MEMORIES

Sometimes my memory shifts and wobbles a bit, as I attempt to reconstruct the fluctuations of my life. I recently had a chance to note some of this fractured reality when I revisited my imagined version of an old movie called International House. (Paramount, 1933)

The occasion was the question of whether a faked scene from the movie had been used to pump up interest in the film on the occasion of an earthquake in Long Beach, California, which occurred during production of the movie on March 10th, 1933.

The scene is available on YouTube. If you Google W.C. Fields and Long Beach earthquake, you'll find a link. Comments on the video are sparse, but mainly it's folks debating whether the footage is real or faked.

(For a better quality version of the newsreel, click the GettyImages link in favor of the YouTube version.)

I thought I knew the answer (about the film), because I had seen the movie years ago and remembered key points about it—but I was wrong.

About the key points, I mean.

In the fake scene, W. C. Fields is telling Stu Erwin: "You might have saved my life. What can I do for you?"

Erwin indicates his fiancee, says, "Take us to Shanghai."

Right about the time Fields says "for you," the image starts shaking, a chandelier begins to sway, and a lamp slowly falls over.

And I was thinking: This scene isn't in the actual film. It can't be. Because it's taking place inside the titular International House hotel, which is supposed to be located in Shanghai, China.

So why would Erwin want to go to Shanghai if they're already in Shanghai?

But I was wrong about that.

I just watched the film again, and it is made clear the hotel in question is not in Shanghai, but at least one long day's drive away through the desert. The hotel is said to be in Wu Hu, China.

Now, I remembered the drive there somewhat clearly. The car belongs to Thomas Nash, an old China hand and employee of American Electric. He's going to the International House because a Chinese scientist there (Dr. Wong) has just invented what he calls Radioscope.

(It's a kind of super-duper television that Wong describes like this: "I can materialize anything, anywhere, at any time. Radioscope needs no broadcast station. No carrier waves ...no electrical transmission." Sort of like the purported psychic ability called "remote viewing.")

Big money will be made, and Erwin has been dispatched to bid on the contraption.

He's not alone: A young blonde chick is riding along, also eager to get to Wu Hu. She tells Erwin: "Wong's invention will make millionaires and I intend doing the same."

Erwin: "You mean you're going to marry a millionaire?"

Blonde: "I never marry anything else."

In my memory of this scene (the car is broken down in the desert), the characters get into an argument and Erwin says something like: "Who do you think you are, Peggy Hopkins Joyce?"

A point that went right over my head, followed by her even more inexplicable reply: "Why yes, I am Peggy Hopkins Joyce."

I'm sorry, who?

To be accurate, though, Erwin actually says: "I wouldn't enjoy a minute of this trip even if you were Peggy Hopkins Joyce."

And she says: "I am Peggy Hopkins Joyce."

You may still be shaking your head. Google the name and you'll find out what everybody in the movie theater already knew. Joyce was a Broadway chlorine famous for latching onto millionaires. Which is why her character is headed to Wu Hu.

It's also why there's a movie called International House.

See, the whole goofy thing is a vehicle for Joyce. She even gets top billing, above W.C. Fields and everybody else (Stu Erwin, Edgar Pangborn, George Burns & Gracie Allen, Bela Lugosi, along with a host of others who appear via Radioscope, including Rudy Vallee, Stoopnagle and Budd ["Stoopnocracy is Peachy"], and Cab Calloway [singing "Reefer Man"]; Baby Rose Marie sings a torch song with a raspy jazz voice that always makes me want to clear my throat).

(All the Radioscope scenes come up randomly as Dr. Wong tries to tune in to a six-day bicycle race in New York City. The weird thing about Radioscope is that the folks you locate are also aware of you watching them. Rudy Vallee is annoyed by Fields's comments on his performance; later, a warship is sunk when Fields shoots it with his pistol.)

Another twisted moment lodged sideways in memory: W.C. Fields upsets some woman, causing her to ask: "How do you sleep at night?"

He says: "On my right side, with my mouth wide open."

Something of a fabrication—in the movie, there was no angry woman. Fields (Professor Henry R. Quail) drops onto the hotel roof garden in his autogyro (turns out he's looking for Kansas City, but a stupendous load of Monte Blanco beer has sent him astray). Dr. Wong thinks he's the American representative come to bid on his invention. He asks: "Where will you sleep tonight?" (He's concerned, because Fiends has no reservation.) And Fields says: "On my right side with my mouth open. Wide open."

I sort of get the quote right, but scramble the setup. It's unsettling. What else am I getting wrong about, you know, everything?

So, what about the scene faked for the newsreel?

Again, I was wrong. The scene is in the film. But not in the location depicted in the newsreel clip. Instead of the actual location (an elevator, where Fields drives his little car [The Spirit of South Brooklyn]), the fake scene takes place in the lobby of the hotel. After Fields lands his autogyro, a ramp unfolds from the belly of the aircraft and a tiny car rolls out (for side trips, Fields tells Dr. Wong).

Then the fabricated quake: The camera quivers, the chandelier swings, a lamp falls down. The lamp's shade drops to the floor, but Erwin grabs the lamp itself and lines it up on the edge of the table. Where it refuses to move an inch after he lets it go. In an actual quake, it would have rolled off onto the floor.

Erwin says: "What's the matter?"

Somebody answers: "Earthquake."

But notice this: Nobody in the scene has any trouble standing up. Nobody sways. Nobody stretches out their arms to maintain their balance. The Long Beach quake was short (about ten seconds) but very powerful; massive damage and substantial death.

The newsreel clip was clearly faked—though I've seen it in documentaries depicted as legit. Years later, Fields and director Edward Sutherland owned up to the hoax.

Folks comment on the YouTube version, pro and con. Some people are hung up: How can the clip be a fake if the quake was real?

When you have little to go on, you have to make the most of it. Did some people see the car move? (Nobody seems confused by having a car inside the lobby of the hotel.)

Having the camera move is trivial. So is getting a chandelier to sway. So is shoving a lamp over.

Oddly, the actual location of the scene could have made for a more exciting fake.

Stu Erwin and his fiancee are in an elevator. They call out to Fields, who's being chased around the hotel in his little car by Bela Lugosi and his band of thugs. (Fields has Lugosi's ex-wife with him [Joyce]; Lugosi is homicidally jealous.) After the car takes refuge in the elevator, Erwin runs behind it to hit the button to close the door. Not much room left in there.

A simple, compact scene: Erwin, the car (with Fields and Joyce inside) and Erwin's on-again/off-again fiancee. No chandelier, no lamp to rig. But it could have made for a great pretend earthquake: hidden prop guy shakes the car, while the actors bounce back and forth between the car and the walls of the elevator.

No perplexed confusion ("What's going on?"), just concentrated terror!

For the record, the rest of the scene:

Safe in the elevator, Fields pops his head up through the fabric roof of the car, says: "Young man, you just saved my life. Now what can I do for you?"

Erwin: "Take us to Shanghai."

Fields: "I'll drop you off on my way to Kansas City."

I think there's a good chance no one will ever see those people again.

TRUMP'S THIRD TERM

Donald Trump says he won't rule out running for a third term as president. He knows there's something called the 22nd Amendment that prevents this action, but he says there are ways around it.

And maybe there are, but I would suggest such tricks and work-arounds would only be available to a president who was wildly popular.

And who would be willing to call the man "wildly popular" these days, as Trump's billionaire buddy Elon Musk rampages through government offices with a blood-clogged chainsaw.

Or after yesterday—AKA "Liberation Day"—when Trump announced across-the-board worldwide tariffs (including those levied on several unpopulated island territories), which will likely have the effect of tanking not only the American economy, but that of the world as well.

At closing bell today, Wall Street markets were down five or six percent, just from the news of the initial tariffs. The future will almost certainly bring retaliatory tariffs placed on US goods headed overseas, followed by Trump's counter retaliatory moves beyond that, and so on, tit for tat until the light of the universe sputters and goes out.

Wildly popular? Yeah, good luck with that.

As a result, Trump is stuck with the actual wording of the 22nd Amendment. No tricks allowed. No weird circumventions. No Hail Mary passes aimed at a distant goal line.

He can't run as JD Vance's VP in 2028, then take over after the election when Vance obligingly steps aside (citing some sort of beard emergency, I would imagine), because the person running for VP has to be legally qualified to be president, and Trump would not be.

(Besides, this plan assumes the very unlikely event of Vance getting elected.)

But even if the Vance thing worked, Trump would be cut off halfway through a full term and a new election would have to be called. Probably.

The 22nd Amendment imposes a slightly less than ten-year limit on total presidential terms. In fact, it could be more like six: If you served just one day more than two years of someone else's presidency, you can only be elected president one time on your own hook.

But there's another problem, a problem of Trump's own manufacture:

According to vast volumes of blather emitted from Trump's very blabby mouth-hole, the man was elected president in 2020, after which some Deep-State hocus-pocus ensued and his perfectly legal presidential term got yanked out from under him and bestowed upon Joe Biden, who was—according to Trump—a massively unqualified fellow.

Outrage! Perfidy! Pure, unadulterated stinkiness!

But here's the thing: If Trump was elected in 2020, that would have been the second time for him—and that's the limit, according to the 22nd Amendment: "No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice."

That means that what we have going on right now, with Elon Musk's metaphorically blood-drenched antics and Donald Trump's hideously destructive Reign of Tariffs, is actually Trump's third term.

(Remember, the Amendment doesn't talk about serving two terms, just getting elected twice.)

Shouldn't Trump be impeached and convicted of violating the 22nd Amendment on Day One? Well, if you believe his Stop-the-Steal rhetoric, I guess the answer would have to be yes.

Either that, or Trump needs to come clean and state clearly for all time that he was absolutely not elected president in 2020.

And if that were to happen, I guess he wouldn't be able to keep praising the thugs who beat up cops at the Capitol on Jan 6. All of a sudden those guys are not heroes and patriots but slow-thinking doofusses who happened to possess brains soft enough to allow Donald Trump to press his lying fingerprints onto their smooth gray surfaces.

Hey, let the screaming begin!

A MIRACLE CURE

Hooray for the new Trump super-health supplement, coming soon to your house!

Here's how it works: There'll be an urgent banging on your door. You open up to reveal an Army second lieutenant and a squad of heavily armed men.

"What's all this?" you ask.

"Here's your super-health supplement direct from the dedicated scientists at Trump's National Health Administration."

The officer presents a small plastic box. Inside: five brown capsules.

"One for you and every member of your family," the officer says.

"What's it do?"

"Oh, sir, what doesn't it do? I'm sure you are aware of how important it is to have an active microbiome in your lower GI tract. Well, this is it! With this small capsule you get the best of Trump all the time."

"Donald Trump made this himself?"

"Absolutely," the officer says. He takes out a plastic card and reads from it: "President Donald J. Trump's own personal microbiome is the ultimate source of this miracle health supplement. The raw material is harvested, then cloned, amended, and tailored by medical experts specifically for patriotic Americans all over the country."

"And all I have to do is swallow one of these capsules?"

"Yes, sir. You and every member of your family."

"Okay. So if I get what you're saying, the capsule contains the essence of Donald Trump?"

"Direct from his lower tract microbiome, yes."

"Which is to say, it's made from the man's own personal...poop."

"Exactly."

"And you want me to eat it?"

"Of course," the officer says. "And not just you. Your whole family. The law says you must all partake."

"So now it's a law all of a sudden?"

"Don't get me wrong, sir. It was always going to be a law."

"I'm inclined to say no."

"Okay, but don't."

"Don't say no?"

"This is all about your health, sir. Yours and your whole family."

"Uh-huh."

"President Trump wants all patriotic Americans to be healthy and happy."

"No offense, but I think I'd rather not partake of the sort of health that originates in Donald Trump's poop."

"I get why you might say that," the officer says. "But the president's poop is really quite excellent."

"Still ..."

"You're not listening. Donald Trump is the healthiest human being in the history of this planet. All the doctors say so."

"All of them?"

"Plus, I'm sure you'll be pleased to know the processing operation is completely certified by Robert F. Kennedy, Jr."

"Is that really a good thing?"

"I think you're forgetting, sir, that during our recent election a great many Americans came out wholeheartedly in favor of what's in these capsule. And that was for the unprocessed raw material. Maybe you saw some of Trump's widely attended political rallies. MAGA people are really quite enthusiastic for this stuff."

"I don't doubt that."

You look at the squad of heavily armed men standing around in your front yard. Across the street you can see another squad of men backing up another young Army officer as he lays out the proposition for your neighbor.

You ask, "What if I say no and that's an end to it?"

The officer shrugs. "Entirely up to you, sir. This is America and you have a choice. But if you should choose not to take the supplement, you will be given another choice: deportation or summary execution."

"You're kidding."

"Do we look like we're kidding?"

The officer turns, nods at his squad. The men straighten up and start adjusting their weapons. Automatic rifles, mostly. One of them has a flame-thrower.

"But how can I be deported?" you say. "It doesn't make any sense. I was born in this country!"

"Birthright citizenship," the officer says. "I think you'll find that argument has lost some of its sparkle in Trump's New America."

"Where would we go? Where would you send us?"

"This is America, sir. You have a choice of any country that will have you."

"I don't..."

The officer's cell phone begins to play "YMCA."

"'Scuse me, sir," he says. "I have to take this."

Across the street, the other young officer is also taking a call. He holds a finger up to your neighbor's angry face.

A moment later your officer is putting his phone away. "Change of plans, sir. The choice is now execution or transportation to Greenland."

"We have to learn Danish now?"

"Of course not, sir," the officer says. "Rest assured there will soon be millions of Americans in Greenland, all speaking English. I mean, we need workers to man the raw earth factories, don't we?"

You say: "I don't want any part of this."

"What do you mean? You voted for it."

"Not me."

"What I mean is, the country voted for it. Doesn't matter what this guy or that guy voted for. As a country, we voted for all of this."

Shouting from across the street. The squad of soldiers pushes into the house. Several bursts of automatic weapons. After a long pause, one final burst.

"Guess he made up his mind," the officer says.

His soldiers look grim, getting their game faces on.

You say, "That last burst..."

"Sometimes the little ones crawl under their beds," the officer says. "Ya gotta root 'em out of there, you know what I mean?"

Black smoke from the house across the street.

"You guys are burning him out?"

"Cauterizing," the officer says. "Just a precaution, sir. A decision as bad as the one your neighbor just made might indicate some sort of severe mental degradation. What if there's a virus going around? Can't be too careful!"

Sort of makes it easy, doesn't it? "Give me the capsules," you say.

"Smart choice," the officer says, handing them over. "Bring your family members out, okay? I'll need to see it happen to make my report."

You think: That makes sense.

What the hell, maybe the pills will do some good.

When it's done, the officer prepares his squad to go to the next house on your side of the block. You hear sirens in the distance. Fire trucks on the way at last.

At least it's over.

The officer turns back to you and smiles. "Okay, sir. See you tomorrow!"

THE BOOT FACTORY

One chunk of Trumpian chaos has been hiding lately—the Gaza thing—while the president concentrates on destroying world trade and annexing Canada as our 51st state. But I think the proposed renovation of Gaza needs to be looked at a bit, before it explodes back into view as the earth-shattering episode it can be when it's feeling its oats.

Trump says we (the US) will "take" Gaza. We're not going to buy it from anybody.

(From Israel, for instance; Trump jawing about all this with Netanyahu in the room, a small smile on the Israeli leader's face. Sure, let Trump take the hit for doing what Israel would love to do but doesn't dare to.)

No, we're just going to take Gaza and "have" it.

(Why does that sound so sketchy? Just something about it...)

So, will this perfectly reasonable event require boots on the ground?

Absolutely not, Trump says.

We'll just take the place and empty it out.

I mean, you have to clear this parcel down to the dirt, right? Gaza is unsafe as it stands, what with all those un-exploded bombs embedded in the rubble. (Though it's astonishing to consider that even one of those Israeli bombs failed to go off.)

Once the joint is safe, we'll go to work creating some sort of Riviera on the Mediterranean: hotels, casinos, convention centers, and so forth.

(Actually, I'm under the impression there already is a Riviera in place on the north shore of that body of water, so I guess you'd have to call the new guy Riviera South.)

But won't it take boots on the ground to clear the place of un-exploded bombs? I mean, that sounds like a job for military professionals.

Apparently not.

Okay, what about emptying the zone of the people who live there?

No need for boots there, either, it seems.

I think the idea is they'll just wander off on their own. Wander where? I'm guessing they'll have to wander in the direction of Egypt. Israel doesn't seem like it's going to provide those folks with a welcoming direction for wandering.

Personally, I detect some problems with all this.

Hamas is still in Gaza, still armed to the teeth. In what numbers? Hard to say, really. I guess it depends on if the military-aged civilians of Gaza have experienced any inconvenience in the last few years, any agitation of mind that might motivate them to join Hamas and fight an order to evacuate their homeland.

To sum up, Hamas is there, with guns, and a lot of others might be inclined to play along. All they need is guns of their own. And I would be surprised if Iran has no guns to give them or lacks the willingness to do so.

That will tend to complicate matters.

But here's a handy solution: We invade Iran.

[Insert successful war here.]

Now that we've conquered Iran, we'll have no more problem with those guys arming a revitalized Hamas and all the others in Gaza not willing to go quietly to Egypt or start swimming in the direction of Riviera North.

But wait, there's a big bonus: We could carve off a substantial hunk of Iran and rename it "Palestine."

Then all you need is a landing strip and you could start airlifting the residents of Gaza to their new home-sweet-home. Assuming they're unwilling to walk.

Since the population of Gaza is only about one-fifth the number of undocumented folks in the US currently targeted by Trump, it should be a snap to relocate them all in a jiffy.

But only if we use our military to do it. Seriously, the people of Gaza will need to be disarmed and subdued before any progress can be made.

Not that the incentive of getting a nice fat chunk of the country formerly known as Iran won't help grease the way. But some folks are bound to be contrarians, even when everything is set up in their own best interest.

Some humans are just built that way.

So, boots on the ground, Donald. It's inevitable.

Next question: Will it be worth it?

Are you kidding me? Gaza is more than a hundred forty square miles of soon-to-be empty land. Just imagine how many slot machines you could put there!

It boggles the mind.

What's more, it clearly attracts the attention of a man whose mind is already considerably boggled.

What could go wrong?

PEACE TALKS

Peace talks designed to end the Ukraine-Russia war are now underway. Here's my take on a reasonable outcome:

   Immediate ceasefire on both sides.

   Withdrawal of all Russia troops.

   If ethnic Russian citizens of Ukraine wish, they will be relocated to Russia. New homes can be built for them. Who pays for this: Russia. Maybe there will be contributions from Europe and the US.

   Russia will pay reparations to Ukraine for the damage it caused.

   Crimea will be partitioned, half for Ukraine, half for Russia.

   Ukraine joins NATO to make future Russian aggression far less likely.
 
   NATO pledges never to invade Russia.

Russia is a vast country containing enormous resources. It's time for those guys to acknowledge they're in fine shape just the way they are.

No more talk of expansion!

If Putin wants to make a name for himself and Russia, let him work to make the world a safe and healthy place to live.

End hunger and disease. End poverty for all.

Make Earth Better Than Its Ever Been.

MEBTIEB, everybody!

CONSPIRACY THEORY

I have this theory about why Donald Trump is going pedal to the metal to transform the civil service system into a playground for his loyalists, etc., and in the process generate a boat-load of cash to pay rich folks what they do not deserve, but have come to expect as their due.

(The greatness of America is that rich folks get richer faster here than anywhere else. And if that's not literally true, Trump would absolutely like to make it so.)

Let me reiterate, what I'm about to say is just a theory. Or maybe not even a theory, but a bit of fluff designed "for entertainment purposes only."

(Sort of like the old Psychic Hotline. Remember that thing?)

So don't freak out! This is in no way a threat against the man, okay? There's no need to alert the Secret Service!

That said, here's the theory: What if Donald Trump were dying?

And I mean, dying fast!

Dying so fast that if the guy doesn't go balls-out to accomplish his ambitious plans, he won't live long enough to see them materialize.

And, you know, hog the credit for making it happen.

In my theory, Trump is going to make America great again and he wants to be around to take a bow. But time is running out. So he's got to hop it.

Okay, that's sort of plausible, right?

But there's a problem: How can he hope to keep these radical changes in place? Won't everything just go back to normal (as best as can be done) when he's out of the picture?

To cover that, I have a follow-on theory:

Not only is Trump dying, the man is dying of something pretty nasty. Not just your average aggressive cancer, you see, but something hideous.

Something embarrassing.

Something so bad he's putting us through changes so extreme the country will have no choice but to generate an assassin to put an end to these changes before it's too late.

Trump is about to buy the farm and he's trying to wring an assassin out of the hinterlands in order to beat Death to the punch.

That way Trump will get loads of sympathy. He'll be a martyred hero for our chaotic times. (Never mind he's the main cause of the chaos.)

He'll go down in history in a good way.

(And not in the way he will almost certainly be remembered, as the raving idiot who tried to blast the nation off the face of the globe. And by doing, claim victory.)

As an assassinated president, he'll be honored in the annals of the country.

Which is a lot better than being remembered as another poor bastard who had the misfortune to die of butt-hole cancer.

(Or whatever. Make up your own medical horror story. Dying is bad, but how you die can make it so very much worse.)

Bottom line: Bullets in the head! Bullets engineered to wipe out the shame. Bullets from somebody with enough money to buy a freaking scope.

And here's the crucial bonus: The martyred president can only be properly honored when everybody pitches in to finish the work he started. The country would be duty-bound to stay the course right on out to the last full measure of devotion.

And if his lunatic plan leads to total destruction, so be it!

It's the least we can do, right? The man took a bullet for us!

And that's it: my outrageous theory to explain why Donald Trump is in such a ferocious hurry to tear stuff up, the man moving way too fast to do a proper job of it.

The guy in such a frantic rush, in fact, he needs an energetic fellow like Elon Musk to slam it through, a super rich man willing to ignore his own work in the process of doing a very big favor for Trump, putting aside important stuff like finding out why his biggest and most ambitious rockets keep blowing up left and right.

(Seriously, the guy appears not to be concerned in the least, even makes jokes about it: "unexpected rapid disassembly" or whatever he calls those catastrophic explosions.)

Meanwhile, Trump is living it up. Going to the Superbowl. Riding around the Daytona 500 track. Getting in a crap-load of golf. Sternly lecturing the leaders of war-torn countries. Shocking the world with outrageous tariffs.

Living out his own personal Make-a-Wish fantasy.

And all the while the Man in Black is waiting in the wings to go to work.

With a flame-thrower.

KNIVES OUT!

The other day Donald Trump implied that Zelenskyy started the war in Ukraine. I'm pretty sure he didn't mean to say Zelenskyy literally invaded Russia, rather than the other way around.

It's a little more complicated than that. To understand Trump's position, you have to know how a bully thinks.

If, in middle school, a towering youth confronted you and demanded you hand over your lunch money, you have to decide if that money is worth getting yourself beat up.

Maybe some days you just hand it over. Maybe you had a big breakfast. Maybe you're not feeling very hungry that day. Whatever. It is what it is.

Later in life, say that same oversized thug has evolved into a strong-arm bandit. He assaults men on the street, demanding their wallets.

One of the ways a bully like that generates the temerity to made this demand is that he has convinced himself the money in your wallet actually belongs to him.

I mean, how dare you! What right have you to withhold money that is legitimately his?

The thug is thinking: Gimme my damn money!

To not do so is to invite a beating that could so easily have been avoided.

When Putin made demands of Zelenskyy, the man should have stepped up and handed over whatever was asked of him. It makes no sense that he didn't cooperate.

In fact, it's such a no-brainer, Trump has concluded Zelenskyy should be on the hook for whatever resulted from the man's needlessly defiant stance.

When Putin tells you to do something, you do it! The man has nukes, for crissake!

(Trump has repeatedly told Zelenskyy, "You're risking World War Three!")

In Trump's eyes, Zelenskyy started the war by forcing Putin to send troops in there to make happen what absolutely needed to happen, what the natural order of the world demanded to happen.

Trump knows he's right because he, like Putin, is a bully at heart.

Right now he wants Zelenskyy to pay back all the military assistance we've given him by signing over half of Ukraine's minerals and oil and, quite frankly, "anything we can get" from the guy.

And this arrangement may be okay with Putin because that still leaves the other half for Russia to glom onto.

But technically, this is a rather dangerous test of our future relationship with Russia. Will Putin agree to only taking half? That may sound to him like hind teat. The man was, after all, on track to taking it all. The US might have to contribute a taste of our half of Ukraine's wealth to keep Putin happy.

But now we're talking about a bully-to-bully arrangement, clouding a situation which is already pretty scary.

And there's this: It just might stick in Putin's craw that a jumbo-load of Russian soldiers have been put in the ground by folks using American-made munitions.

Until the big blow-up in the Oval Office last week, it looked like Zelenskyy would go along with some version of Trump's "offer." (And earlier today [Sunday] he said he was still willing to sign a deal.) The matter is complicated by the fact that Ukraine absolutely did accept a great deal of military assistance from the US.

So maybe he does "owe" us something for that.

But here's his predicament: The man's country is hanging by a thread and he's stuck in a room with a lot of guys frantically working scissors, snipping, snipping, snipping at the air. Careful with that thread! It's around here somewhere. Be a shame if anything should happen to the guy's pretty little country.

(And where's your damn suit, you ungrateful a-hole? That's what the Trump-loving press wants to know!)

On the other hand, if Ukraine had been a member of NATO when Russia invaded, that would have meant a lot more assistance, almost certain to include boots on the ground from both the US and the EU and others. Would that action need to be repaid at some point, according to the rules of NATO? I don't know.

But hold up a moment. Had Ukraine been a member of NATO, would Putin have dared to invade? The very existence of NATO acts as a deterrent to aggression.

Same thing for nukes. Deterrence is the main, and perhaps the sole, function of nukes. (Donald Trump is the only world leader I'm aware of who has repeatedly asked why he can't use nukes for real.)

Even without the NATO consideration, will the EU demand a share of Ukraine in exchange for its contribution of lethal hardware (which apparently added up to more than that of the US)?

If so, Ukraine stands to be carved up more ways than the country can possibly accommodate. It might take some sort of "fishes and loaves" miracle to satisfy everybody at the dining table.

Barring that, sharpen those knives, boys! This turkey is ready for carving!

INESCAPABLE LOGIC

There is precedence for what just happened.

The Julian Calendar, established in 46 BCE, did not handle leap years with sufficient precision. Because of that, by 1582 it was necessary to remove the 10 extra days that had accumulated. As a consequence, October 4th (the Feast of St. Francis of Assisi) was followed immediately by October 15th.

But only in the mostly Catholic countries of Europe.

Since this disruptive change was instituted by Pope Gregory XIII, Protestant countries (like England) refused to go along. Shear Popery!

But eventually the pressure of this temporal rift (the normal starting dates of the seasons were drifting away from traditional astronomical requirements) forced the rest of the world to follow suit.

In 1752, England (and her colonies) needed to yank 11 days out of the calendar. As a result, September 2nd was followed by September 14th. That made the third quarter (July-August-September) short, and folks who paid rent by the quarter were pissed.

But what could they do? Their Monarch had spoken!

(Here's why it was 11, not 10: The problem with the Julian calendar was that all centesimal years [those ending in 00] were considered leap years. The rule in the  new Gregorian Calendar was that 00-years needed to be divisible by 400 [not just 4] to count as leap years. Because England failed to act along with Europe, two more centesimal years had gone by: 1600, which was properly a leap year, and 1700, which was not.)

Jump to present day.

Donald Trump has now officially removed January 6th, 2021, from the nation's calendar. It was either that, or declare those "peaceful protesters" were actually assaulted by the police, not the other way around, as we all saw on TV.

And who the hell would believe that nonsense?

Besides, if the man can reach out and change the name of a large body of water on this planet, who could possibly stop him from interfering with the mysterious continuity of time itself?

(There is a rumor this temporal correction was made necessary by the intense gravitational shear created by Trump's prodigious posterior when it interacted with Deep State forces involved in the stealing of the 2020 election. Try to picture masses of corrupt governmental entities in extremely close orbit of the Presidential Opening. Now consider, if you dare, the quantum effects of this perilous encounter. Frankly, I can't follow the math. But this variety of esoteric calculation would no doubt be child's play for a genius like Donald Trump. Or maybe it's just a rumor.)

But understand the serious legal consequences of this calendar-based shift.

If there was no Jan 6 that year, nothing whatever could have occurred at the Capitol in Washington D.C. (or anywhere else in the country). To be concise, no one could possibly have committed any crimes on what turned out to be a non-existent day.

As a result, all investigations by the FBI, and all subsequent federal prosecutions pertaining to alleged actions taken by anyone that day, need to be seen as moot and invalid.

That means FBI personnel involved in this fraud should be fired forthwith.

Ditto federal prosecutors.

Further, all such personnel should face prosecution for their outrageous and criminal behavior.

It's just that simple!

Hail to the Emperor of Time and Space!

TWO BECOMES THREE

We started out with two options:

If the Senate confirms all of Donald Trump's cabinet nominees, an event made possible only with the support of Republicans who are slavishly loyal to the president, elected representatives who are forced to proclaim to the nation that the reason they voted for these nominees is because they are without doubt the best qualified for the job, we would have to conclude that these Republican Senators are too stupid to hold a position in government.

Similarly, if Republican Senators cause these nominees to go forward and candidly give the very practical excuse that to do otherwise would be accounted by Trump as disloyalty, requiring him to put into action his threat to "primary" them during their next election, thereby destroying their political careers, we would be forced to conclude these Senators literally value their careers in government over the welfare of this country, and we would be right to castigate them for engaging in outright corruption.

But what if Democrats provided a new and exciting job for every Republican Senator so they would be free of Trump's threats, thus allowing them to fulfill their oaths of office and do the right thing? What if we gave those poor bastards something to look forward to should the president work his magic on their lives?

Well, it might be too late for that.

Because now we have the spectacle of Donald Trump pardoning all the Jan 6 "hostages." He says that day was a love-fest: patriotic citizens peacefully protesting the theft of their hero's second term in office.

(This is a pair of outright lies stuffed up each other's butts. One would expect Trump's usual capper ["and everybody knows it"] slapped onto the end, but it's missing. WTF, is he getting lazy?)

Trump's blanket action adds a third excuse for the soon-to-be-seen actions of Republican Senators (and already seen in the case of Pete Hegseth).

If Republican Senators were to let it be known that if they showed any sign of disloyalty to Donald Trump he would send his newly released Brownshirts to the Senators' houses to kill them and their families, we would probably have to exonerate the Senators of stupidity or corruption and display only sympathy for them.

Then act to obviate this illegal threat by removing Trump from office and jailing his army of thugs. Actions performed in that order, because if Trump remained in office he could simply pardon his militia of lawbreakers and send them out to do more mischief.

Stupid, corrupt, or under duress, those are our options here in BizzaroLand.

And all because some reality-challenged Americans needed to punish Biden for screwing up the price of breakfast.

Democracy is clearly too fragile to live in a world manned by defective humans.

What a shame.