TRUMP'S SLEEPLESS NIGHTS

English dictionaries have to be among the largest in the world. Not only does English possess a record number of words, but so many of our common words have multiple meanings.

And we still get things wrong in normal parlance.

Aside from the controversy concerning whether the free end of the toilet paper should hang out over the front of the roll or over the back along the wall, the subject that often occupied the letter writers to advice columnists is the annoying fact that some people express a lack of interest by saying, "I couldn't care less," while others deliver the same message by saying, "I could care less."

Despite the fact it literally means the opposite.

If you ask someone a naive question you might get the reply, "You don't wanna know."

That's presumptuous, right? They asked, didn't they? Obviously they do want to know.

But here the more accurate response is, "If I answered your question, you'd wish I hadn't."

When word came the North Koreans were preparing to test an intercontinental ballistic missile, of the sort that could reach the western half of the US, Donald Trump tweeted: "IT WON'T HAPPEN."

This flat statement is bound to keep the North Koreans up at night.

What is the man saying? Is he assuring the American public the reports of a possible test are false, that no such test will be made?

Or is he claiming the coming launch will be prevented. If so, does that mean Seal Team Six is already on the ground in North Korea?

Or more troubling, is Trump saying the intruder will be shot down by our ballistic missile defenses? Followed by a full retaliatory barrage of incoming nukes?

(On the wall inside one of our ICBM sites is a sign that reads: GUARANTEED DELIVERY WORLDWIDE IN THIRTY MINUTES OR LESS—OR YOUR NEXT ONE IS FREE. That's a joke, of course. They're all free.)

Or maybe Trump is just kidding, and the words have no actual consequence. The problem with that, I don't think the North Koreans are much into jokes.

Remember this? One time President Reagan was messing around on a microphone and announced the Soviet Union had just been outlawed by congress, and missiles were on the way. The USSR went on high alert, just to be safe.  Mistakes could have been made. Very bad mistakes.

(Recall the movie The Bedford Incident. A US destroyer is shadowing a Soviet sub. The captain remarks, "If he fires one, we'll fire one." A nervous fire control officer overhears and takes it for an order. "Fire one, aye, sir!" he says, and sets loose a nuclear-tripped missile. The sub also gets one off before it's destroyed. Quid pro quo.)

At some point the North Koreans have to consider the possibility that Trump is just waving around his magnificent penis. Spraying testosterone about in a ritual display of toughness.

If so, than nothing need be done about those words, except utter the appropriate diplomatic response: "Blow me!"

We can only hope the North Koreans are that sophisticated, because as far as we know Trump's words did, in fact, mean nothing at all.

(To folks concerned about his tough talk, Trump has some advice: "Don't worry about it.")

What are the chances our new Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson, will privately assure the people of the world they need pay no attention to anything Trump says?

Problem is, if he tried that with the North Koreans, they might take it the wrong way, and go on even higher alert.

As we toss and turn throughout our own sleepless nights, we might take comfort from the political reality in North Korea. They know they can't win a nuclear war with the US, so they're not likely to start one.

But the leadership relies on the imminent threat of an attack by the US to keep power over the people. It's a delicate balance. They need to poke us, but not so hard we get fully aroused.

The real question we have to sweat out: How much gentle poking will Trump put up with? And what will he do when his wiener gets good and angry? The man has a temper. And it's not exactly clear if he can take a joke.