DEAR PRESIDENT TRUMP

Here's what you should do about your seven-nation travel ban. Nothing. Nothing at all.

Sure, you could fix the green card thing, and modify it for current residents out of the country on vacation or whatever, but you'll probably never get a real Muslim ban through the courts—and if it's not a Muslim ban, it can't possibly do what you say it's supposed to do: keep us safe from radical Islamic terrorists.

So just let the travel ban go, let it die out. It was always only supposed to be temporary, right?

Concentrate on setting up your extreme vetting, whatever that might look like. Seriously, how long could it take? (You've been talking about it for many months; don't tell me you wasted all that time.) Ramp up the vetting right away and tweak the details in the weeks and months to come.

Worried about the delay? Don't be. Obama-vetting has been in place for a long time. Lots of bad guys have had their chance to get into the country. You'll just have to deal with them in another way.

As for the vetting itself, you probably aren't going to get away with waterboarding anybody (as some idiot recently proposed), so forget about that.

If you come across some guys who look like they need waterboarding, simply deny their visas. Put 'em on the Guys Who Need Waterboarding List and forget about it.

As for bad hombres without visas slipping across the border with Mexico, not much you can do about that. Remember, it's going to take years and years to build that Wall—assuming you ever get funding through Congress, which—let's face it—is not a lead-pipe cinch.

And even if a Wall could be built, keep in mind this country is cursed with extravagantly long coastlines. Not to mention a border with Canada that's pretty much too cold to guard in the winter. Nobody wants to pull duty at Frostbite Falls in January.

You'll have to rely on the FBI to sniff out terror plots coming at us from within. And you'll need a good relationship with the native Muslim community.

(How's that going, so far?)

And if bad dudes are headed to this country just because you're the president, you might consider resigning for the good of the country.

It's called an Attractive Nuisance.

Realistically, though, you're probably not in much personal danger, at least not from Islamic terrorists.

But you might want to keep an eye on all those violent a-holes you fired up during your campaign. Piss those guys off, you might need to install another machine-gun nest in your hair.