AMERICA NEEDS MORE BUTCHERS!

Donald Trump's immigration policy could inevitably lead to a shortage of butchers and meat wranglers in this country.

Here's how:

Suppose a young foreign couple finds itself living in a hellscape of political repression and economic collapse. What can they do? Easy:

Come to America! Solve all your problems at once!

So, in they come, however they can: hire a coyote, swim a river, hike through a desert, get a visa and overstay it. Whatever it takes, right?

Cut to Present Day: Here they are, living in the country of their choice, working hard, making money, paying taxes, raising a family.

Then boom: Covid effs up the economy and food prices skyrocket!

Result: Donald Trump is headed back to the White House with a cast-iron mandate to rip those illegal immigrants out of their homes and send them back to hell.

Which is where they belong, right?

But what about their children, every one of them born in this country and therefore an American citizen?

Well, that's up to the parents, obviously.

You want to take your children with you when you go? Okay, fine, but why should the American people foot the bill for that? Airplane tickets are not cheap, you know. And what about meals? Motel stays? Or, for that matter, multiple nights in government detention?

Don't forget, building all those deportation camps is going to cost the blameless citizens of this country plenty! And the process of dealing with millions and millions of illegals may take years!

Obviously, the border-bound parents must be on the hook for these charges. But that might represent an insurmountable expense for them.

What the hell are they to do?

Here is my modest proposal: Eliminate the children on the spot. Save the wee ones from the endless and inexplicable misery their thoughtless parents have signed them up for. Just mow 'em down and get on with the tedious business of infallible justice for which this country is renown.

And here, finally, is where those butchers I mentioned earlier come in!

All that meat will need to be processed, not for immigration justice, this time, but for dinner.

Folks may need to be detained for year after year, and all those pesky children represent an excellent source of high-quality protein.

And there's another bonus: No more politically damning video of teary-eyed kiddies lying about in cages! The Trump administration will be in a position to turn all that negative press into a positive story of American ingenuity at work.

But there's the inevitable downside. The longer the removal process goes on, the greater will grow the need for supplemental nutrition. What happens when the supply of child-sized carcasses begins to wane?

What better new source of food than the adult detainees themselves?

It's only fair, right?

At a certain point, a calculation will be made, and deportation flights will dwindle until they can be canceled altogether. The illegal immigration problem literally disappears into the ether, like the snake that keeps gobbling up its own tail until the job is utterly finished.

And if there's any left, another fine bonus: certified vermin-free government meat for the economically challenged citizens of this wonderful country!

Just like government cheese, right? But even tastier. All who qualify will get a monthly allotment of detainee protein packaged in dry ice: well marbled steaks in all the approved, mouth-watering cuts. Anything left over? Ground meat in quarter-pound patties, perfect for the barbecue grill!

And if we start to run low, just open up the border a little!

Hey, if they're stupid enough to walk through the door, they deserve whatever they get. Right?