THE EQUALIZER

Everybody on this planet, it seems, wants to be an American. And I understand: It's a pretty nice country, with substantial (if not universal) opportunity for economic advancement. What's not to like?

(Plenty, but that's for another time.)

We're the Shining City On A Hill. Come on in, the water's fine!

You want a better life, come to America.

You wanna get rich, come to America.

You wanna be President, hold up, Bubbles. You gotta be born here.

(But Moms, you want your kids to be President, haul your bloated carcass over the line and unload your progeny here in America. But be advised, that loophole might close in the future...)

In any case, for practical purposes, it's generally not enough to say you seek the economic opportunities of this country. You'll probably need a better reason.

Oh, I know: Apply for asylum!

Just say your home country is trying to kill you. Listen, it's not fool-proof, but this method definitely has legs.

And drawbacks. Like massive competition.

Seems like everybody's country is trying to kill all but a handful of its favorite people. (Lots of oppressive countries offer better lives to selected citizens than the average American gets. It's good to be the King [or a close friend].)

We could just print up citizenship papers for every person on the planet, subject to their arrival on our borders. (Wet foot/dry foot, people: You gotta plant at least one tootsie on American soil!)

Or we could change the basic model.

End all asylum. Instead, fix the root problem.

In effect, we become the Equalizer, worldwide.

Got a problem in your home country, let us know. We'll work to fix it.

(I've said this before: The best way to keep Mexicans from crossing the border into the US is to make Mexico a paradise nobody in their right minds would want to leave.)

So, the new model: Don't come live in our house. We'll fix your house, so you can stay there.

Would that cost more money to implement? Probably. But this policy would almost certainly catch less political flack than the solution we're currently trying to operate.

(Not to mention, Donald Trump rode into the White House largely on the illegal immigration path. And the bills for that event are still piling up, threatening to drag us under.)

On the downside, expect a lot of push-back from the designated "problem" countries. But what the hell, America is already seen as a bully in much of the world.

Another, rather tricky problem: This country needs a substantial number of foreign workers to raise our crops and perform other jobs Americans mostly reject as beneath them. As a consequence, we may need "apprentice Americans," folks on a path to citizenship. When those people get fully vested, a new batch comes aboard, and so on. Let the economy sort it out.

(Hits on the economy are not the only problem, of course. A lot of closed-minded Americans simply don't like foreigners of any stripe.)

Still, the Equalizer model has its good points. With American help, many people might be willing to fight the system in their home country, rather than admit defeat and travel a dangerous road only to grovel in makeshift border camps, begging Tio Gringo for favors.

Might it not be better for your mental health to stay home and work on existential problems at the source? The way it is now, America only offers hope of a better life if you come here. Maybe it's time to try changing that.