PARDON THE KRAKEN

A few days ago the Dow closed above 30,000 for the first time. Donald Trump held a brief press conference to celebrate that event. He thanked everybody (those in his administration, at least) for making it happen.

The "sacred" number (as he called it) had been achieved. Nobody knew anything like that was even possible! Amazing stuff, right?

(Trump is adept at telling folks what they know, even when they don't really know it.)

During the last part of the 2020 campaign, Donald Trump repeatedly declared that if Joe Biden won the election, the market would crash. For some reason, he failed to mention this during his 64-second press conference.

Not that he's especially adverse to admitting mistakes. But since it's literally impossible for him to make a mistake (being a genius and everything), admitting he made a mistake is not just difficult, it's forever off the table.

Given his astonishing mental prowess, I'm surprised he didn't make the connection. Not only did the market not crash, it did the exact opposite of crashing—which is proof he'd been right all along.

That position might need some explaining.

Here's how the gears of logic mesh to squeeze out the finest of alternate realities: The stock market didn't crash for the simple reason that Joe Biden didn't win the election.

Get it? The market was weighing in on the hoax election controversy, landing squarely on Trump's side. The surging market backed his oft-stated position that the election was rigged against him by the Dems.

That 30,000 Dow close was proof Trump won the election! You might even say it's the best proof the man has. At least, the best he's produced so far.

In reality, of course, the market was reacting favorably to two bits of news: 1) despite the fact Donald Trump had yet to concede defeat, the transition to the Biden administration had finally begun, and 2) the medical community would be in a position to start inoculations of healthcare workers, first responders, and old folks within the next few weeks.

The medicos have multiple anti-covid vaccines of 95% effectiveness—the best possible outcome at the most desperate of pandemic times. Turns out, that flickering glow at the end of the tunnel was not the headlight of Nick Cage's Ghost Rider motorcycle after all.

This doesn't mean the president is done calling fraud on the election. Despite a great many embarrassing failures in various courtrooms, and the falling away of his legal team (mostly leaving Rudy Giuliani, he of the streaming hair dye), Trump maintains the position there was massive and systematic corruption that led to Biden becoming the apparent winner—but not the real winner (though time will tell).

He says they have proof tens of thousands—maybe millions—of fake votes.

Sidney Powell, one of Trump's previous lawyers (she also represents ex-security adviser Michael Flynn; his recent pardon proves she's good, right?), says she's about to release the Kraken, says she'll be going all Biblical on the election fraud evil-doers. Starting in Georgia, probably. Starting soon. Real soon. Any friggin' moment now...

(Even Fox News has trouble believing this stuff.)

Meanwhile, Trump's own voluminous proof of massive fraud is apparently wedged into the same Resolution Desk drawer as his tax returns and the Republican health plan bill. Unfortunately, he can't get at it just now because the drawer is stuck.

No doubt another damnable plot perpetrated by the Dems!