NEGOTIATING WITH DONNY

When folks are at an impasse, the one who calls for negotiation is usually the hero. The side who refuses to meet is the villain in the piece.

When it comes to the partial government shutdown, the fellow calling out repeatedly for the other side to come in and negotiate a settlement is Donald Trump.

Is this a trap?

The last time they met, Trump walked out after only fourteen minutes, as soon as he got Pelosi's answer about the wall: "No wall."

Since he hasn't apparently changed his mind, it's confusing to hear him call for more talks. If not his position on the main subject, what has changed?

The only public movement on his part concerns the Democrats' ability to name the item in question. Trump is apparently willing to grant them the right to call that thing a wall, or a fence, or a barrier. He's even okay with them calling it "peaches."

His bizarre position seems to be this: The Democrats won't agree to a wall because they object to the word "wall." And he's determined to fix this, out of the goodness of his heart. And to be the hero who saved America.

"Call it anything you want," he appears to be saying, "just FUND the damned thing."

And he can't see why they refuse his generous offer. He's unafraid, as a proper hero needs to be, of any unforeseen consequences.

I mean, those rascals could call it "Donald Trump's Stinky A-hole."

(The name designed to answer the joke's set-up question: What do you call that thing that deters unwanted foreigners from coming into America?)

Other Republicans call for the Democrats to negotiate a solution to the shutdown. But those guys are likely to have Trump's back. When they say "negotiate" they mean "give him whatever he wants."

That's not a negotiation. That's a show-trial.

On the other hand, maybe Trump wants some sort of "negotiation" so he can shift his position slightly and claim victory. He can't do this unilaterally without it looking like he caved, and he can't do that without letting down his pals on Fox News. (Whose criticism of Trump is the real author of this story.)

Or maybe Trump needs the opposition in the room so he can work some kind of Jedi mind trick on the Democrats. A deal materializes (magically) and Trump quickly declares victory so he can move on to destroying the world in some novel and unpredictable way. (It's his special power.)

Or maybe a new threat can be detected, something unrelated to Bigger Caravans forming in the South, a bountiful catastrophe that could give Trump cover to table the wall for the duration. Sort of like how World War II ended the Great Depression.

Substitute one crisis for another and move on. Is anything else even possible?

Good news: There's a new summit coming up with Kim Jong-un. Maybe Trump can parlay that into a nuclear exchange with North Korea. That should cause some heads to pivot away from our southern border.

So say goodbye to South Korea, Japan, and half a dozen US cities. We're going to put America back to work digging fallout shelters.

Hey, it's starting to sound like a workable plan!