PERJURY TRAP

There was this movie directed by Otto Preminger (I'm pretty sure) wherein a middle-aged woman was very cagey about revealing the exact date of her birth. Then, one fateful day, when she was surrounded by her dearest (ready-to-pounce) friends, she was asked by a government official to state her birthday for the record. She fainted.

Maybe Donald Trump could try that with Mueller.

Trump's lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, says he thinks Mueller is trying to get the president in a "perjury trap," a situation where Trump's answer is at odds with someone else's answer—and Mueller will believe the other person.

And charge Trump with perjury.

Here's how it could work. Mueller will ask a question like: Did the president ask James Comey to go easy on Flynn?

Comey says he did, but Trump denies it.

Giuliani thinks Mueller will believe his old friend and past colleague Comey over Trump. Because they're pals, see? And not because Comey is known to be a straight shooter and Trump demonstrates himself to be a profligate liar on just about every occasion.

Or does he?

Trump, and something like half the population of the country, seem to think there is no blizzard of lies coming out of the White House (and Trump in particular). Even so, the Washington Post has compiled a list of over four thousand lies and exaggerations with Trump's name on 'em. And the rate is accelerating as matters heat up in the special counsel's office.

Is this some kind of illusion, like the blue/gold dress deal?

For example, here's a pungent can of worms: Recently, a piece of tape from a Trump rally surfaced where he promised the following week he would be delivering a major speech about the Clintons and their nefarious doings. He said this shortly before the infamous Trump Tower meeting between his son (and others) and Russian nationals, the meeting that promised dirt on Hillary.

Far as I know, Trump never made that anti-Clinton speech.

(On the other hand, a lot of what he says just disappears into the maelstrom.)

But at that rally Trump really seemed to be drooling at the thought of coming into some nasty dirt on the Clintons. How could that be? He has always maintained he was unaware of the upcoming meeting at Trump Tower, in fact, not really so sure what happened in there even after it was over. Something about adoptions of Russian children?

(Russia suspended the adoption of their children by Americans in retaliation for Obama-era sanctions placed on Russia for their Crimea grab and other stuff. Their biggest hope for Trump's election was for him to relieve those sanctions, which would allow adoptions to resume (among other things). Giving the Trump campaign dirt on Hillary could help make this happen. That's the link.)

Now, with Michael Cohen's plea deal, we might get more information on what Trump knew and when he knew it. Giuliani is feverishly laying the groundwork for undercutting anything Cohen might say about anything, calling the man a known liar. (Though he has in the past touted his honesty!)

Meanwhile, Trump has nothing but praise for his one-time campaign manager Paul Manafort, the man taking the hit in court and refusing to "break" and make up stories about the president.

(All stories detrimental to Trump are made up—it's the cornerstone of the concept of Fake News.)

Cohen is operating outside the beneficial sphere of presidential pity. His lawyer says he would refuse a pardon by Trump, though I'm guessing that's partly sour grapes—none seems in the offing. But Cohen is also operating under the constraints of legal jeopardy; any lie to prosecutors could destroy whatever deal he's managed to cut.

Trump has so far kept himself out of oath territory, so nothing he says carries any judicial weight. Giuliani is fighting hard to prevent the man from raising his right hand in front of anybody.

Working against him is Trump's ballooning ego. He knows he can game Mueller. All he has to do is get into a room with the special counsel so he can work his special magic.

Maybe there's something to this bizarre bit of confidence. My theory: pheromones.

The author and historian H.G. Wells was a toad of a man, but always had lots of female admirers. It was a mystery. Somerset Maugham asked one of Well's lovers what his appeal was. She said his skin smelled amazing.

The miracle of body-odor chemistry!

Is this the answer to Trump's success, in business as well as in politics? Does the expression "press the flesh" have special meaning in his case? Is this why he seems to spend hours shaking the hands of folks like Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un?

Is he marking his territory?

Hell, maybe Trump is right. Screw Giuliani! The president needs to get Mueller in a room, shake the man's hand a couple dozen times, let his orange skin exude that enchanting cheeseburger scent. Two or three hours of close contact—and our long, national nightmare could be over.

Mueller will close the investigation, declare the president clean as a whistle, and fade into history's dead zone. (Maybe go back to sending out emails threatening to jail me for not accepting that Nigerian deal.)

All because Trump ran to embrace the perjury trap.