BRAINER

The other day I was standing in line at the bank and a guy there asked me if I believed in Jesus Christ. I said no.

He told he why he did, how he could go to sleep knowing if he died in the night he'd be all set, on his way to Heaven or whatever.

"It's a no brainer!" he said. "You just accept Jesus as your savior and the rest is automatic."

I said, "Sounds like it might be too easy."

The line moved, and he sort of pivoted away, his confidence clearly unshaken. Later I considered what I might have said—though I could think of no good reason why I would have bothered to say it. But let's pretend:

"You say it's a no brainer," I might have said. "Maybe I can make it a 'brainer' for you."

See, there's a great deal of slack built into the thought processes of a religious person. Like: Is any of this stuff real? The average Joe has no reason to doubt, of course. Being human, he knows it's real. Everything in a human brain is real. I mean, what's it doing in there if it's not real?

(Seriously, why in the world would God allow nonsense to take up room inside our lovely noggins?)

But just to amuse myself:

"What if the Jews are right?" I might have asked the guy in the bank. "What if God is real, but Jesus of Nazareth is a fictional character?"

Which is something to worry about, because Christians might be putting themselves in mortal danger. They show up at Heaven's Gate with an all-access pass signed by Jesus and God is like: "Hold up there, cowboy! I got no children—that I know of!"

"That can't be!"

Sure, it can.

"This is getting old," God says. "I long ago got tired of seeing you guys at my door. So I built a special place in Hell for you. Enjoy!"

And down you go. Forever.

Could be the same deal with folks playing along with Pascal's Wager. Believe in God (the gambling philosopher says) because it's easy and the rewards are awesome! Costs you nothing if you're wrong.

Yes, but only if you're wrong. The real problem comes if you're right.

God, presumably, can see into your heart—into your cynical, conniving heart. What are the odds there's not a hot corner of the Pit set aside for Wager people? Still feel like betting?

Asked if atheists can get into Heaven, Pope Francis said yes, because God's mercy is infinite.

(I suppose that's meant to be good news for folks who can't make up their minds on the evidence provided, but since Heaven is described as a never-ending snuggle with the Big Guy, I'm not so sure it's such a good deal for me. Though I may be wrong. Perhaps in the "flesh" the dude is a delightful companion. Barring that, God might reach into my ethereal head and make me think I'm having a good time.)

But get this: The outcome for sincere atheists might actually be better than that for folks trying a popular work-around to get past the gatekeeper to Heaven.

Point is: Nobody knows—though almost everybody thinks they do. Which leads to a tricky conundrum: A little "knowledge" might set you up for infinite trouble.

I wish us all luck with that one.