AFGHANISTAN BANANA STAND

President Trump has set out new guidelines for the US military in Afghanistan. For the first time, apparently, America is in it to win it.

Make no mistake: We're going to win the war.

This is what the new and improved America is all about: Winning!

(Accept no substitutes.)

America's longest war is headed for a happy ending.

We know all this because the President said so. And that's that. I mean, the man never lies, right? And he's never wrong about stuff. Everything he says is golden.

The troops are to be given all the hardware and personnel they need to get the job done. Furthermore, the commanders in the field will be in charge, for once. Whatever they want to do, BAM! It's done!

But we're not going to dictate to the Afghani government. This is their country and their war (sort of). We're not going to try to remake the place in our image. If those guys want to include the Taliban in the government, who are we to object? (If they can find any Taliban alive after we get through with them. Ha ha!)

We're in Afghanistan to kill terrorists, and when we've killed them all, we'll leave. No timetables. The orders are simple: Kill 'em all, then bail.

Oh, maybe we'll leave when the government of Afghanistan decides they've had enough American help. It's none of our business, right? If those guys make a private deal with the Taliban to end the war, so be it.

We'll declare victory and skedaddle.

It's the new America: We break down the door of your country, kill all the terrorists in there, and hit the road. Rinse and repeat.

(And don't bother leaving a key under the mat. Turns out we enjoy busting things up. Besides, we're on a mission. MAGA!)

Trump often criticized Obama for announcing the schedule of American troop withdrawal, said it gave the Taliban a chance to lie back and wait us out.

Fact is, that's always possible, and Trump's plan won't prevent it. If the Taliban disappeared into the mountains (or into the Afghani government), we'd pretty much have to take off, sooner or later: No more enemy to neutralize, right?

After we leave, they can come back—or break any deals they have with the government.

Remember, this is their country. (They used to run it.) And they have the high moral ground: These are deeply religious men. They can only do the right thing, because they're acting under direct orders from Allah.

Probably the only possible long-term solution to the Taliban would be to field an equally God-addled contingent of Islamic freedom fighters to wipe them out.

Then swallow a cat to chase the rat, and so on.

I got a feeling it could get pretty messy in there...