NEW YORK VALUES

Republican hopeful Ted Cruz has accused his rival Donald Trump of having "New York values." By this term he says he means liberal stances on issues like gay rights and abortion.

Trump's somewhat bizarre response is to wrap himself in the bloody flag of 9/11, displaying images of Ground Zero and asking Cruz if this is what he means by New York values.

I detect a failure to communicate.

Cruz is very clear about what he means by the term he's using. I suspect Trump is acting dumb in this case.

On the other hand, if Trump does not actually fit the definition supplied by Cruz, then Cruz is being silly.

Or perhaps he's accusing Trump of hiding his New York values so he can spring them on an unsuspecting nation in the future.

Or maybe Cruz is worried Trump is deluding himself, that The Donald finds himself free of New York values when he looks for them, but in reality they're lurking in the shadowy recesses of his mind, biding their time, awaiting a dramatic moment to erupt into the light. (Visualize that steel-toothed dildo-creature popping out of John Hurt's chest in Alien.)

Cruz is concerned about Trump, see, in the same way Trump is worried sick his buddy Cruz might fall victim to occult Canandianism. Does anybody want to see Cruz get tackled to the ground by secret service guys just as he raises his hand to take the oath of office?

Oddly, other "New York" values—like arrogance and bad manners—seem perfectly fitting to political critters on the prowl. Trump certainly displays those traits.

But back to the man's 9/11 stance. Is Trump suggesting the World Trade Towers were targeted by terrorists because those guys associated them with New York values?

That's not so far-fetched. Many times since 9/11 I've heard politicians say we were attacked because radical Muslims didn't like our values of freedom and whatnot.

Actually, I think they attack us because they're convinced this country is engaged in a war against Islam and they feel called to defend their religion.

They like to attack tall buildings in New York City because they are conspicuous, high-value targets that symbolize their unholy enemy, America. Beyond that, I think they're just looking for ways of killing as many American citizens as possible, regardless of the symbolism.

On the other hand, I suspect the average Muslim holds values that would clash with Ted Cruz's definition of New York values. (Muslims are not notably pro-gay.) In that case, Cruz could point at Trump's photos of Ground Zero and say: "Yes, Donald, New York values brought down those buildings."

Not what Trump was suggesting, but strangely related.

One of the problems Cruz has (a problem he shares with his fellow Republicans) is that these guys are all some variety of the same political party. They're bound to share more values than not. As a consequence, it's hard to find angles to attack.

A politician may need to go out on a limb and create a problem where none exists. ("This hot sauce is made in New York City!")

In the end, unfortunately, we have to pick one of these knuckleheads to vote for. But hey, nobody said democracy would be easy.