UNDOING GOD'S WORK

After the Twin Towers fell, an Islamic cleric went on television here in the U.S. and said the only way those buildings could have come down was if Allah wanted them to come down.

God's Will, baby.

At this point the guy conducting the interview might have leaned forward and punched the bearded fellow in the face.

Standing over the Imam (the guy sprawling on the floor, bleeding onto the dusty linoleum), the interviewer could then say: "Would you look at that? God must have wanted you punched in the nose! Let's see if he wants you kicked in the nads."

But enough pointless nostalgia.

Continuing its war on ancient artifacts (and rival Shiite mosques), ISIS recently blew up the 2000-year-old Temple of Baalshamin in Palmyra, Syria. They also murdered the curator of antiquities, after first trying to get him to reveal the location of booty ISIS could sell to collectors.

Since the charges went off okay and the temple turned to dust, God must have wanted that place destroyed. All pre-Islamic shrines have to go, of course, and there's a long damned list.

The question I have, why did God let those pagan bastards build their temples in the first place? Was it just some kind of cosmic joke? ("Ha-ha! Wait till ISIS gets a load of this thing!")

Missionary Christians had their own technique. They'd come into some virgin territory, packing a big fat heaping of God's holy word, and raze the local shrine. They'd then build their church atop the ruins.

That way, stubborn non-believers couldn't sneak off into the jungle, find the vine-covered remains of their sacred temple, and start up worshipping again. (I wonder how many newly-minted Christians knelt in the usurping church and prayed secretly to a dog-headed she-goat or some such pagan entity.)

True Muslims have a duty to spread Islam whenever possible. Along the way, other (false) religions need to be suppressed, their works destroyed. Adherents have to see the light and convert.

Technically, Christians can remain faithful to their own religion (and alive) by paying a tax (the jizya) and admitting to subjugation by their Muslim overseers.

ISIS practices a back-to-basics version of Islam. No compromises are permitted. Old time punishments are dictated: chopping off hands and feet, stoning, beheading, crucifixion, and so forth. That's Sharia law.

The other, more nurturing side of Sharia is a commitment to the welfare of the people of the Caliphate. Food, housing, clothing, healthcare—all to be provided free.

No wonder they have avid fans. The Caliphate is dedicated to well-run government services. Woe to the incompetent. Off with the heads of corrupt officials!

In fact, ISIS is so strict they find fault with brother Muslims. Mostly upstart, more "modern" members of the Shiite variety, but others, as well. Anyone caught voting in an election, for instance. To ISIS, only God's governance is to be recognized.

As a result, ISIS is hard at work excommunicating large numbers of people for various offenses against brutal, old-time religion. Turning former "Muslims" into apostates. And the penalty for apostasy is death.

(On a Sunni Web site I visited, Shiite Muslims are not even considered a kind of Muslim.)

Good news for Islam, Shia is a minority of its population (though Iraq and Iran are almost pure Shiite). Obliterating that wing of the Temple of Islam shouldn't be fatal to the religion.

And it has to be done!

Remember: Every throat cut is a vote from God to cut that throat. It must be nice to get clear confirmation you're on the right path.

(And if you can't quite slice all the way through the guy's neck, maybe that's just God's way of telling you to use a sharper knife next time.)

Members of ISIS are human beings, of course, and subject to the same fatal mental flaw. Everything they do is the right thing to do (as far as they know), every thought in their heads is perfectly fine and true, and everything they see is proof they're following the word of God.

Following it right down to the end of the world—which is fast approaching, apparently. ISIS expects a major battle at Dabiq (in northern Syria) against the "armies of Rome." In the absence of Centurions, I should imagine American ground pounders will do.

The problem is, massing armies against ISIS is exactly what those dickheads want. And if the armies turn out to be American, it will only offer more proof the U.S. is in a long-standing war against Islam.

But there may be another way to defeat them.

An Islamic Caliphate is like a shark. If it doesn't move forward—expand—it dies. Or, at the very least, its legitimacy, its life in the light of God's favor, is open to question.

ISIS must continue to win territory and adherents or it risks falling into disrepute. That alone might be enough to bring about its downfall.

And if ISIS whithers and dies, it can only be because of the will of God. (That wily bastard.) Live by the sword, die by the sword.

I'm looking forward to it.

[For a detailed account of ISIS and its hopes and dreams, see Graeme Wood's article in the March 2015 issue of The Atlantic. You may also want to check out the follow-up, including Wood's critics.]